


Don't Be Afraid

by giantsquid35



Series: Da Capo al Fine [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cellist AU, Cellist!Lexa, Completed, F/F, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Music, a lot of flashbacks and stuff, it's mostly flashback angst, med school!Clarke, minimal angst, this fic is my child, three shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-07-25 14:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7536406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giantsquid35/pseuds/giantsquid35
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa Woods is finally back home after 4 years and she's performing at her return concert. She's always been a talented cellist, but she when she was in high school she was too afraid to go after what she wanted. Things have changed drastically since then, and it's all thanks to Clarke Griffin.</p><p>or</p><p>Cellist AU where Lexa and Clarke have broken up but obviously still have feelings for each other.</p><p>Yes, I suck at summaries. I know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Calm Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So I've always had Cellist!Lexa in my head. I've been playing the violin for almost 11 years now and when ya'll sinners decided to go measure out Alycia's hands, my first thought was actually "damn, she'd be a great cellist" even knowing her background in classical percussion.
> 
> But yeah, this is going to be a short 2 shot. This fic isn't as focused on the fact that Lexa is a cellist, but it's a key fact. For those of you who wanted an actual fic that was very focused on musicality, I have another fic that I'm working on that will be! (Yes, I'm shamelessly promoting a fic that I haven't even posted yet, but I will eventually! Maybe sometime soon!).
> 
> This is only about half the story, and all in Lexa's POV but next chapter is Clarke's! And then Lexa's again. I'm working on it as you read.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> (for those of you who don't know, first chair is essentially the best player of the section, they sit in the front row)

Lexa looks out into the auditorium and takes in the sea of faces that greet her. She is standing near center stage, next to the chair put out for her. She doesn’t sit just yet. Cello in hand, her eyes skim above them in search of the one face. She searches for one person who has been there for her at every concert she could since she was a child. She searches for blonde hair and—

 

***

 

_Blue._

_Her eyes are so blue._

_“Hi, I’m Clarke Grifffin.” Lexa doesn’t respond. She’s too shocked. No one has ever approached her so suddenly before._

_Fourth period Orchestra just ended and Lexa decided to stay behind a little longer to practice like she always does. She had been sitting alone practicing the new piece their conductor handed out that day. Or at least she thought she was alone. Now, in front of her, stands the girl that had just joined their orchestra about a week ago._

_After a moment of looking into wide green eyes, the blonde clears her throat. “I said,” she starts, “I’m Clarke Griffin, I’m a sophomore and I just transferred here. And you are?” It’s then that Lexa finally understands that this is where she’s supposed to have said something._

_“Lexa Woods. I’m a sophomore too.” Lexa grips at the neck of her cello nervously, there isn’t a lot of passing time left and she still has to put her instrument away, but she finds that she doesn’t feel in a hurry at all as she lets herself drown in blue._

_“You’re kidding! You’re so good though! If you wanted to you could probably challenge Nia for her spot and take first chair,” Clarke says thoughtfully. She sets down her viola case and sits next to Lexa._

_“I- I could never. Nia is amazing, there’s no way-“_

_“Oh please, you’re so much better than her. And I can tell you care more.” The girl trains her blue eyes onto her once more and Lexa swears she’s drowning. “Would you even want to be first chair?”_

_Normally Lexa would just refuse. She would brush off the compliment and insist that she doesn’t even want first chair. Even though she sort of does. Even though she knows that Nia’s form is just the_ slightest _bit off and she refuses to help her section when they need it. Even though she’s been playing the cello since she was four years old. But she is also afraid._

_She’s not sure what comes over her in that moment or why she’s suddenly admitting this to an almost stranger, but she nods her head._

_“You should fight for what you want instead of just sitting here in the back because you’re too shy. Don’t be afraid.”_

_Her words are so simple. They’re so simple, but Lexa doesn’t think she’s ever felt more encouraged; more comforted in her life. For a moment she feels brave._

_“Okay.”_

 

 ***

 

And there she is. Lexa notices the blonde just as her face breaks into a knowing smirk. She takes a calming breath now that she knows where she is. Lexa has been playing on stages for years but it’s nerve wracking every time, especially tonight. Tonight is special.

Anya is sitting strategically in the best spot for acoustics, giving her a slight thumbs up. The brunette gives her a small smile from where she stands and notices that Raven Reyes is sitting next to her, her head on her shoulder. Lexa can’t recall Anya saying anything about that when she picked her up from the airport though. Her smile turns into a smirk and she arches her eyebrow in the smallest way so that only her sister will notice.  She would be sure tease her about it later.

 

 ***

 

_“So is your girlfriend back in town?” Anya teases. She’s leaning in the doorway to Lexa’s room watching her practice. Though she isn’t doing too much practicing right now because she’s texting. It’s painfully obvious who her baby sister is texting because she has that ridiculous grin on her face._

_“Shut up. She’s not my girlfriend,” Lexa mutters, her smile disappearing. “She’s just a really good friend. But yes, she just got back home.” After Clarke had talked to Lexa that one day, she took to talking to her every day after. She had lunch with Lexa and her friends, and walked each other to every class that they could. They started hanging out after school soon most days before Lexa would practice her cello, and before Lexa knew it, the day just didn’t feel right unless it involved Clarke in some small way._

_Junior year passed by in the same fashion, and Lexa realized pretty quickly that year that her feelings for Clarke were more than just friendly. Thank god, the blonde never noticed, though she's not really sure how. Not a day passed when Lexa looked at Clarke and didn’t start thinking about how soft her lips would be. Not that she’d tell Anya that._

_“A really good friend that you’re either talking to or hanging out with 24/7? A really good friend that, after literally everyone in your life has told you, finally got you to go for first chair? A really good friend that makes you blush when she texts you?” The older girl is clearly enjoying herself as she watches Lexa get flustered with each question she asks. “That drawing of you in your room is from her, isn’t it?”_

_“I wish you stayed at college for the summer,” Lexa mutters bitterly. She barely means it though and Anya laughs, but she doesn’t look like she’s about to give up on her teasing. Lexa stares straight ahead at the music stand in front of her, refusing to meet Anya’s eyes and biting the inside of her lip. Then she gets a new text._

_Suddenly Lexa is setting her cello back onto its stand, safely in the corner of the room, and she’s loosening her bow. “I’m going out, tell mom I won’t be back for dinner.”_

_Without waiting for a response, Lexa grabs her keys, pulls her shoes on at the front door, and walks over to the nearby park. She sees a familiar blonde sitting alone at the top of the slides. Lexa climbs the play structure, silently taking a seat next to her._

_They don’t speak for a while, Clarke is looking up at the sky and she seems to be deep in thought. She indicates that she’s aware of Lexa’s presence by laying her hand over hers. The brunette smiles slightly and turns her hand over to tangle their fingers together. It’s nothing new. They hold hands all the time. It just feels right._

_Lexa doesn’t look away from Clarke’s face. She can’t help but think how beautiful she is. She admires the curve of her cheek, and the curl in her lashes. She admires wonder in her eyes, and the pink of her lips. God, her lips. Her eyes stay stuck there for a moment too long, and suddenly Clarke is shifting her gaze._

_The wonder that was there when she looked at the sky is still there. Only she's looking at Lexa instead._

_“Sorry I randomly called you out, I got bored,” Clarke laughs. The brunette pretends she wasn’t just thinking about her lips and prays that Clarke didn’t notice. “I hope you weren’t practicing,” she says, but by the way Clarke looks at the indents left on Lexa’s fingers, she knows that she was._

_“It’s no problem, Anya was being annoying anyways.”_

_There’s another wave of silence. It’s okay though because it’s a comfortable silence. It says everything Lexa isn’t brave enough to say herself. It says ‘I just want to be near you,’ it says, ‘I missed you.’_

_“I missed you,” Clarke says aloud. She clearly has more guts. “California was fun and all, but I missed hanging out with you.”_

_Lexa doesn’t even fight the warmth that spreads through her chest. She stopped fighting it when their junior year ended a month ago. “I missed you too.” She squeezes Clarke’s hand a little._

_“What were you thinking about earlier?” Clarke asks._

_The brunette feels a blush rise to her cheeks, knowing what Clarke was referring to. “Nothing, just my next recital,” she says. But Clarke is giving her that look. “And that… you’re very beautiful.”_

_Now Clarke is blushing. She looks surprised, but then there’s a small smile on her face. “What else were you thinking?”_

_In a moment of weakness Lexa’s eyes flicker back down to her lips. “There wasn’t anything else,” she denies. She told herself that she was going to tell Clarke about her feelings, she had already decided when Clarke had left for California. Just not now. Eventually though._

_“You know you can tell me,” Clarke insists, and Lexa thinks she sees her blue eyes flicker down to her own lips. It must be her imagination though. “I was probably thinking the same thing,” the blonde whispers. Lexa highly doubts that. She realizes then that she had been subconsciously leaning in. She’s about to back away when Clarke squeezes her hand again. “Don’t be afraid.”_

_And then she isn’t anymore. Lexa looks into Clarke’s eyes for confirmation and she thinks she sees it, so she leans in further, and closes her eyes._

 ***

 

Lexa sets her cello onto its side by the chair and walks up to the microphone. “Thank you all for coming here tonight. This is concert marks the end of my time with Foley Music Program and it’s the last performance that this particular group of people will be doing together. At least for now. If you would please give another round of applause for the four other talented musicians that played before me.” The audience complies and Lexa smiles down at the small group of people that have come to be her closest friends the last couple of years.

“While we were given the opportunity to go to school in Europe, I think we are all in agreement that the most invigorating part of the past four years was the musical training we received from the geniuses there. We learned so much and I will never forget my teacher. As strict and serious as she is, I’ve come to love my teacher dearly. Thank you for everything Indra.” There’s a short round of applause celebrating the woman sitting in the seat just in front of Anya. “We all made sacrifices to be here, and it was hard, but I don’t regret a second of it. I love being a musician, and I’m so excited to pursue music after this. I love this.”

 

 ***

 

_Clarke loves this feeling._

_Lexa’s lips are on hers, desperately seeking her out. It’s a hungry kiss, one that leaves them both breathless. The blonde is now straddling Lexa’s waist and soon Clarke is opening her mouth to let Lexa in as her hand tangles itself in her blonde hair. Their tongue’s dance together, still wanting more. Clarke slides her hand under Lexa’s shirt, running over her sides and eventually cupping her over her bra and drawing out a low moan._

_“Shouldn’t you be practicing or something?” Clarke breathes._

_Instead of answering, Lexa just presses her lips back onto her girlfriend’s. Clarke chuckles into her mouth, but it’s cut off with a quiet whimper as Lexa moves beneath her._

_The brunette brings both of their bodies up without losing the warmth of Clarke’s lips, but she detaches them in favor of the blonde’s neck. There’s a hickey there already, left by another make out session from weeks ago. It’s fading, but Lexa places her mouth around it once more to reassert its place on her girlfriend’s body. One hand in Clarke’s hair, she places the other on her thigh, pulling her closer._

_“Can I take this off?” Clarke asks, tugging at the hem of Lexa’s shirt. She receives a nod. The blonde brings the shirt over Lexa’s head and throws it to the side then quickly moves to kiss the newly exposed skin. Lexa shudders at the contact, instantly wanting more._

_“You too,” Lexa pants. Clarke lifts her head and removes her own shirt. She leans in to capture Lexa’s lips again, but the brunette turns them around and lays Clarke on her back so she’s on top now. Lexa begins a slow trail down the other girl’s body. She gently nips at the spot just beneath Clarke’s breast knowing that it would draw a pleasant whimper from her lips. She travels down further, kissing just above her bellybutton, and then further. She places a soft kiss at her waistline, just above Clarke’s jeans._

_The blonde gasps at the sensation and reaches down to bring Lexa’s lips back to her own, desperate for another kiss. Her hand finds its way around Lexa’s back and she tugs at her bra strap. Lexa removes it without question and goes back to kissing Clarke while the blonde runs her hand over her now bare breast._

_As things get more heated, Lexa starts to grind her hips down to meet with Clarke’s and they're both moaning into the kiss. “Lexa,” Clarke breathes as Lexa’s mouth moves down to her collarbone. Lexa hums in response to her name. “Lexa, are we…” her question dies on her lips in a soft whimper. The two had certainly made out plenty of times in the two months of their relationship and a couple times it had happened when things became too heated, but each time Clarke had pulled back._

_Each time Clarke’s heart would suddenly jump into her throat at the thought of losing her virginity and she’d tell Lexa that they should stop. The brunette, of course, backed away each time. She had lost her own virginity the summer after sophomore year with her girlfriend at the time, and was ready to take that step with Clarke, but she’d never dream of pushing her._

_“Do you want to?” Lexa murmurs between kisses._

_“My mom won’t be home tonight,” Clarke says in lieu of an answer. “Do you?” Lexa lifts herself up to look into her darkened eyes and gently lifts her hand to caress her cheek. The touch is so different from her previous ones that Clarke’s breath catches in her throat._

_“Yes.” Despite her breathlessness, Lexa’s voice comes out confidently. “Are you sure?” Clarke nods her head, unable to find her voice but knowing that she’s ready. Lexa brings her lips back down to meet hers and things quickly pick back up again._

_Lexa’s hand is trailing down her body, making its way to the button of her jeans, but Clarke notices the slight shaking in her movements. Clarke separates their lips and places the hand that isn’t tangled in brown curls over Lexa’s hand, pushing it further down encouragingly. “Don’t be afraid,” the blonde whispers._

_And Lexa can’t help but smile a little. Here she was, the experienced one in this situation, and Clarke is telling her not to be afraid. She isn’t though. Not really. She just loves Clarke like she’s never loved anyone before, and she wants to make her feel good. She was suddenly worried that Clarke wouldn’t enjoy it. Enjoy her. But she pushes that fear from her mind._

_“I’m not.”_

 

 ***

 

Without this small support system, Lexa doesn’t think she would have been able to enjoy herself. “I’m honored to be the last one you hear tonight, but I have a few words to say before I begin playing.” Lexa takes a deep breath and scans the room one more time, hoping the person she most wants to hear this is there.

_Please be here._

 

 ***

 

_“Are you there?”_

_Lexa’s attention is brought back to the moment with a snap of her girlfriend’s fingers. “Sorry, I just got lost in thought.” Clarke sighs, smiling a little as she does. She curls herself into Lexa’s side again, using her shoulder as a pillow as they lay in her bed._

_“What’s new?” she teases. “Thinking about your audition?”_

_The brunette nods, knowing Clarke would feel it. “I really need this scholarship. I need to get into the t-“_

_“The top five contestants, I know. Lexa, you’ll be fine.”_

_“What do you know? You quit orchestra last year,” Lexa teases._

_Clarke scoffs. “I’m more of a visual artist,” she states proudly. “We both know I wasn’t much good at the viola.”_

_“Hmm, that’s true, you did kind of suck.” That earns a soft smack from Clarke that leaves them both laughing. “But I still love you anyways.” Lexa says it with such seriousness, making sure Clarke knows that she means it. She says it this way every time, and Clarke never gets tired of it._

_“I love you too,” the blonde smiles fondly, and tilts her head up for a chaste kiss. “Don’t worry about the audition. You’ve been practicing nonstop since you heard about it. Honestly I think you’re going to get first place.”_

_“Yeah right. I don’t want to get first anyways. First place cellist gets a full ride scholarship to the top music school in Europe along with four other kids that got first place in their instrument category,” Lexa sighed. She knew she had no chance of getting first place, but she was sure she could at least make top five._

_“You don’t want to go Europe for college?” Clarke asked, laughing a little. Her hand was now tracing patterns on the exposed strip of Lexa’s stomach where her shirt had ridden up, effectively distracting Lexa from the question she just asked. “Anyone else would jump at the opportunity.”_

_“I don’t want…” she hesitates._

_“You don’t want what?”_

_Lexa takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to be away from you,” she admits. They had only been girlfriends for about four months, since Clarke came back from her summer vacation, but they were best friends two years before and it felt so much longer than that._

_Still she was afraid that maybe she was being too clingy. It was senior year, most high school relationships didn’t last long beyond that. In fact most of them break it off right after graduation to make it easier. But Lexa didn’t want that. She wanted a future with this girl. The two hadn’t discussed what they would do after high school yet though, and she wasn’t sure of her stance on the subject._

_Clarke doesn’t reply with words. Instead she is pushing herself up, putting distance between her and Lexa, and for a second the brunette starts to panic. Lexa quickly tries to rack her brain for the words she could use to take back what she just said, but Clarks is looking at her with different eyes now. She’s looking at her with blue eyes that are unmistakably filled to the brim with love, and then she’s leaning forward, pressing herself onto Lexa’s body, and kissing her._

_It’s a gentle kiss. It’s much like the first one they had shared that day in the park. After a minute or two, Clarke pulls away, but only a little. “I don’t want that either.” And the words mean so much more than just that. It’s a confirmation. It’s a way for her to say ‘I want a future too.’_

_“What if we go to colleges that are too far away from-“_

_“Shhh,” Clarke places a finger to her lips. “Then we’ll work it out. Don’t be afraid.”_

_“I won’t be if you’re there.”_

 ***

 

“I think I speak for all of us when I say that it was hard to leave home. The people we loved were here in the states, and the training and school over there was rigorous. But it was worth it. I have learned so much from this program and I’m so grateful to have been given this opportunity.”

“Woo! Go Lexa!” Lincoln, the man who won the percussionist scholarship, yells.

Lexa laughs at his silliness, knowing that their director would be very angry at his outburst. “I can honestly say that these four people are my best friends. I didn’t think I’d be saying that when I first met them.”

 

 ***

 

_“Lexa, you haven’t even met them,” Clarke says in exasperation._

_“I don’t have to meet them, they seem like a bunch music of snobs.”_

_Clarke gives her a look. “Lexa,_ you’re _a music snob. You’ll fit right in.”_

_Lexa sighs, reaching for Clarke’s hand to squeeze it. She had gotten it. First place. She won. After the first few moments of happiness and pride had settled, Lexa was left with another feeling of fear. Currently, she is torn. On one hand it is an amazing opportunity, but on the other she’d be leaving everything behind. She didn’t much care for going to far off places. She wasn’t too big on travel. Places didn’t matter to her, people did. And all her people are here, in Arkadia. Clarke is here._

_“Look at me.” Clarke urges her. “What’s the real reason you don’t want to meet them?”_

_The brunette meets Clarke’s blue gaze. God, she loved her eyes. “Clarke. I already told you. I don’t want to leave you.” She clenches her jaw._

_“Oh, Lex.” Clarke pulls her in so that she can hug Lexa on her couch. She remembered the conversation. It had been months ago, closer to the beginning of the school year. It was when they had admitted that this relationship meant more than they let on for the first time. “As much as I don’t want that either, I won’t let you pass up this opportunity.”_

_Lexa nuzzles further into the crook of Clarke’s neck, trying to find comfort in the smell of her skin. “But what about us?”_

_“We’ll have a long distance relationship. People do it all the time.”_

_“I can’t ask you to wait for me.”_

_“You’re not asking, I’m telling you. I will wait for you to come back.” Clarke’s voice is firm. It’s the voice she uses when she’s made a decision._

_“Clarke, I’ll only be able to see you once a year in the summer. I will only be here four times over the next four years.”_

_“And we’ll make the most of each summer. We’ll call each other whenever we can, and skype. Lexa, I love you. I’ll wait. And at the end, when you’re back here, I’ll be the first one to congratulate you after your welcome back concert.”_

_“You better be.” The blonde hugs her closer, and she feels Lexa let a few tears onto her neck. She rubs her hand up her back and scratches gently at her brown hair._

_“Don’t be afraid.”_

_Usually those three words would bring her strength, but Lexa found that she was still very much afraid._

_***_

 

“Without further ado, I would like to perform for you all a piece that I composed myself.”

Lexa walks back over to the chair and sits herself down. She picks her cello and her bow up, and her fingers glide up and down the strings, feeling at home. She waits for the applause to die down into complete silence. Here, in that moment right before her bow moves across the strings, in this silence that holds the potential of either chaos or peace, is her most favorite part of performing. It is the calm before the storm.

She breathes in that moment and places the hair of her bow down. The first note is the most important of each piece. It decides how well the performance can be and where it will go from there. Lexa’s first note echoes across the silence of the auditorium, strong and pure, and it is that moment that she feels like there nothing she can’t do.

 

 ***

 

_Lexa can’t do this. It’s too much. She’s been on the phone with Clarke for about two hours now._

_“Clarke, please say something.”_

_“I don’t know what you want me to say.”_

_“Anything,” Lexa begs. She needs to hear Clarke talk. She needs to hear her voice, because this might be the last time she’ll get to hear it while she’s still in Europe._

_“Lexa. I love you. I will always love you.”_

_She can’t see her, but Lexa knows that Clarke is crying. Lexa is too. “I’ll always love you too.”_

_“So is this it?”_

_“I guess so.” There’s such a finality to their words and Lexa can’t help but want to take it all back. But she can’t. She won’t._

_“I’m sorry we couldn’t make the distance work. I know I promised-“_

_“It’s okay. It’s my fault too. At least this way we can end on good terms. I don’t want us to hate each other because of this.”_

_“I could never hate you.”_

_Lexa smiles at that, and a sob escapes her mouth. “Neither could I.”_

_“You’re crying.”_

_“You are too.” This is painful for both of them. They had been fighting a lot over the past year; Lexa’s second year into the program, with another two years left. The two tried to work it out time and time again, but it was getting to be too painful._

_There was no mistaking that they loved each other, and they were so willing to wait for each other, but it wasn’t fair to either of them. They decided to let each other go, at least for the next two years. “I don’t think I can do this.”_

_“I can’t either, but it’s better this way.” Clarke hears Lexa’s breath stutter over the line and her heart clenches. “Lexa, don’t be afraid.” Lexa almost laughs at that._

_“My biggest fear was losing you. I don’t think there’s anything left to be afraid of.”_

 ***

 

The piece had started of slowly, building into a sweet symphony of reminiscence. Lexa sways with the music, passion in every fiber of her being, flowing through her smoothly like the notes coming from her cello. The audience is left enthralled by the performance, they can almost feel the emotion Lexa is emanating within themselves, a few even bring their hands up to wipe away their tears.

Lexa is completely unaware of her effect on the people though because she’s lost in her own emotions. She had been working on this piece for the past three years and those who knew her would probably be able to tell what it was about. Soon sweet became sorrow and there were actual tears forming in her own eyes.

She pulls the bow across the strings it what sounds like a final note, taking a rest and then continuing with a grand pause. There is a brief moment where someone who must not have been a musician of any sort starts clapping, but it quickly dies when that person realizes that no one else had clapped. Lexa had neither put her bow down nor stood up yet. She brings the hair of the bow back onto the strings and begins again, the tone has changed again. It’s hopeful now. Light and airy, full of potential and happiness.

Yes. Lexa still had hope.

Her piece does end eventually and she stands, smiling and bowing. The audience is standing for her and she can’t describe how it feels to take in that sight. She’d given up so much to pursue her music and at this moment she felt like it was all completely worth it.

She exits the stage and the lights out in the auditorium are back on. Lexa meets with her fellow musicians and hugs them all back stage. She tries not to cry, but she can’t help a few tears that escape and travel down her cheeks. Most of them live very far away, but they all promise to stay in touch. Then there is Lincoln who actually only lives in the next town over from hers, and ended up becoming her best friend as well. “I think that’s the best I’ve ever seen you play,” he says.

“Oh my god, was that a compliment? From Lincoln? No, it couldn’t be.”

“Shut up, Lex. I’m trying to make our last concert together special.”

Bellamy, the trumpeter, is laughing from where he stands next to Lincoln. “That can’t be true. He isn’t wrong though. You played beautifully today. And that piece, it felt so… personal.”

Ontari and Echo join them. “I’m going to miss you guys so much.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that. We’re all staying in touch and one day maybe we’ll be able to live near each other!” Ontari says excitedly. She was always the optimist of the group. The reality was that Ontari lives in New York, Bellamy lives in Texas, and Echo lives in Michigan, while Lincoln and Lexa live in the Pacific North West.

“Come on, our families are waiting out in the lobby. We’ll meet up in my room again later right? Eleven?” Bellamy asks. The five of them had plans to hang out together in Bellamy’s hotel room one last time while they were all still in the same city, before Bellamy, Ontari, and Echo flew out from Portland, and Lexa and Lincoln made drives back with their own families.

“Definitely.” Lexa smiles. They all walk out through the hall that connects the backstage with the lobby and they all separate as soon as they see people they recognize until Lexa's the only one left unclaimed. _God dammit, Anya’s probably complaining about her feet and saying that she doesn’t want to walk._

She searches the crowd for her sister, accepting peoples’ complements as she walks through with the usual head nods, polite smiles and then an added “Oh, thank you so much!” and then she finally saw the back of sister’s head in the distance. She was talking with her parents and Raven Reyes is standing with her arm around Anya’s waist. Lexa feels her mouth quirk up into a sly smirk and she begins walking towards them, already formulating the jokes she could use in her head, when she feels a light tap on her shoulder.

Lexa turns her head expecting to see another person she doesn’t recognize, ready to accept another “You sounded amazing!” or “My child wants to be a cellist just like you one day.” But that’s not the sight she’s greeted with.

Instead she sees blue.

_God, her eyes are still so blue._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help but end this chapter there :) Of course this is a clexa fic and they're going to end up together in the end, so don't worry about that. I won't have the next chapter up for while though, maybe a couple weeks?
> 
> This concept was just kind of cool to me, and I'm not sure if I was able to portray it how I wanted to, but I hope that you liked it
> 
> I want to hear what you have to say about it, any suggestion/critique is welcome. Please comment below and/or leave some kudos. :)


	2. Great Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa reconnect and we get a look into their past relationship and what happened after they broke up though Clarke's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this would be a 2 shot, but I have the entire "2nd" chapter written and it's over 11k words, which is more than double the first chapter so I decided to split it in half! This is still the longest chapter of the 3 though, with 7k.
> 
> No worries though, I'm putting up the final chapter soon once I've read it over and revised it again, so it won't be much of a wait. 
> 
> The present time sequences play a bigger role in this chapter, as things actually like... happen now. I also think the style of writing has changed a little? But I think it's because this is Clarke's POV so I changed accordingly. Maybe.
> 
> Or I'm just inconsistent.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy! :)

Clarke sits in the west wing of the auditorium, her face is hidden in the darkness. She has listened through four other performers – all wonderful musicians with seemingly wonderful personas – but they aren’t who she’s here for. She’s here for long curly hair and legs for days. She’s here for piercing green eyes, and full lips to die for. She’s here for Lexa. Her Lexa.

 _She’s not your Lexa anymore_ , Clarke reminds herself. It’s been two years and the blonde still forgets that they aren’t together sometimes.

Finally it’s the last performer’s turn and Clarke watches the brunette glide elegantly across the stage. She’s sitting very far away so she can’t get a good look of Lexa’s face, something she so desperately wants to see, but she can wait. When she hears Lexa’s voice again for the first time in what feels like forever, she stops breathing, and when Lexa finally readies herself to play she sits in anticipation. Lexa’s music has only gotten richer, fuller, sweeter, she can’t fully describe the way it makes her feel.

She can’t help but hope that the notes resonating from the beautiful instrument are somehow calling out to her.

Clarke takes a deep breath and stands to exit the auditorium with the rest of crowd and meets with Raven and Anya in the lobby.

Standing with them now, her eyes search frantically through the crowds of people, and her heart jumps whenever she thinks she sees familiar brown locks. She taps her foot nervously and pulls her lips between her teeth, annoyed that they aren’t physically looking for her because-

“Jesus Christ, my feet are killing me.”

“Shut up, Anya. You just don’t want to walk,” Clarke rolls her eyes dramatically.

She’s stayed in contact with the Woods family the past two years regardless of the status of her relationship – or rather her lack of one – with Lexa. It was hard being around them at first but after five years of integrating herself into their dynamic, it was hard to just write them off as her ex-girlfriend’s family, they were hers too.

Clarke continues to tap her foot, and Mr. and Mrs. Woods give each other exasperated looks when Raven speaks up. “Clarke, you need to calm to fuck down,” the girl sighs, then shrugs innocently when she’s scloded for such language.

The blonde nods her head. She knows she needs to calm down, she really does, but she can’t. She isn’t sure how her presence at this event would affect Lexa. She had even elected not to sit with her family so that Lexa wouldn’t see her because she didn’t want to hinder the brunette’s performance.

“I’m going to the restroom,” Clarke mutters. She all but runs there, almost tripping over a few children on the way. The blonde doesn’t actually need to use the restroom, but she does need to walk around a bit because she feels so nervous. She hasn’t felt this nervous in a long time.

 

***

 

_Clarke Griffin doesn’t get nervous. It isn’t the way she works. She’s often been told that her lack of such feelings can’t be real, and while that may be so, Clarke has always stood by the statement due to her tendency to always go with the flow and maintain her laid back attitude._

_Well, throw that idea of Clarke away now, because suddenly she can’t feel her legs and she thinks her palms have secreted enough sweat to fill an entire glass._

_It was only a week ago when she walked into to orchestra on her first day, and her eyes immediately fell on the green-eyed girl with unruly brown hair._

_Clarke swore her heart almost stopped beating._

_It only took her about five seconds of staring before her fingers began to twitch in anticipation, involuntarily seeking out some medium to capture the girl’s beauty. She was so fixed on this girl sitting in the third row of the cello section that she almost dropped her viola and missed her cue to sit down. The girl though, she didn’t notice a thing. She merely glanced up at Clarke for a moment during her introduction before training her eyes back onto her music stand, fingering her way across the strings to some piece that must have been lying in front of her._

_Clarke was disappointed, to say the least. Now, nearly a week later, she is sitting in her last chair spot watching Lexa practice for the last couple minutes of class, and she’s stuck. The blonde finds that she’s completely paralyzed because she just wants to talk to this girl – Lexa, she finally learned her name two days ago when the sub called role – and she can’t get herself to do it because she’s afraid. Of what, Clarke isn’t exactly sure._

_So she doesn’t. Instead she packs up her viola and leaves for lunch without talking to Lexa._

_Again._

_She’s sitting with her new lunch group next to Raven Reyes, her lab partner. Raven had invited her to sit with her friends on her first day of school in reconciliation for blowing up their lab – though she insists that she hadn’t meant for that to happen, the blonde still doesn’t believe her – and Clarke has been sitting with them since, even though they are a group of seniors and she sort of feels a little out of place._

_The blonde sits in silence for about ten minutes into lunch when Raven takes notice. “What’s got you all quiet?”_

_Clarke looks at the brunette and sighs. “Nothing really.”_

_“Come on, tell me. We’re friends, right?”_

_The words warm Clarke’s heart. Her biggest fear was not making any friends at her new school. Granted her new friends were going to be graduating this year, but that was still okay. “Okay well…” she starts, and then she’s suddenly afraid because she doesn’t know Raven’s stance on this kind of thing. She decides to take a chance. “I can’t stop thinking about this girl in orchestra,” she says quickly._

_Raven just shoots Clarke a mischievous grin. “Ooh, you got the hots for some chick? What’s her name?”_

_Clarke breathes a quick sigh of relief at Raven’s quick acceptance. “Do you know Lexa? I don’t know her last name, but she plays cello. If that’ll help, but-”_

_“Ah. Damn, Griffin,” Raven says, grimacing. “Yeah, I know of her. Anya Woods’ little sister. Anya graduated last year. But um…” she hesitates._

_“What?”_

_Nathan Miller speaks up from the other side of the table instead. “She’s my little sister’s girlfriend. Costia,” he says, almost apologetically. Clarke deflates a little._

_“But hey! At least you know your gaydar is pretty on point.” Raven pats her back, awkwardly trying to cheer her up a little._

_“It’s no big deal,” she shrugs. “I haven’t even talked to her yet.”_

_And it isn’t a big deal. Clarke figures that maybe she could just be friends with Lexa. Of course, that would require actual conversation first._

_The rest of lunch consists of idle chatter that manages to distract Clarke for the time being, but then the bell rings and she’s off to her fifth period AP Art class. She continues to tell herself that she will actually try to become friends with Lexa as she sits at her desk, mixing paints together in front of her to create a familiar shade of green._

_She doesn’t recall why she chose this specific shade._

_The next day comes and Clarke is still unable to tear her eyes away from the brunette girl. She finds that now that she knows Lexa is ‘off the market’ so to speak, she isn’t as nervous anymore. Well, she’s still a little nervous, but not so much. So she actually talks to her this time. She finally stays behind after everyone else has left and she watches her practice. Not in a creepy way, more like in admiration._

_Admiration because she had never been able to actually hear Lexa play without the sounds of the rest of the orchestra drowning her out, and now that she can hear it she can’t believe her ears. Neither can she believe her eyes. Without the distraction of the class, she watches Lexa with a renewed vision. She takes in the sharp definition of her jaw, the way her full lips part as she draws her bow across a string. Most of all she takes in sparkle in her emerald eyes as she reads sheet music, and the way they seem to embody all her emotions, and Clarke knows instantly she will always have this image of Lexa burned into her memory._

_To Clarke’s benefit, Lexa is so focused that she doesn’t even realize she has an audience, but when she finally sets her bow down for a moment to stretch and probably get up, Clarke approaches her. Her nerves are suddenly gone because nothing,_ nothing _, could stop her from getting to know a girl who could play with that kind of passion. Even as just a friend. She’s not afraid anymore._

_“Hi, I’m Clarke Griffin.”_

_And it all seems to just fall together after that._

Yeah _, she thinks,_ we’re going to be great friends.

 

***

 

Clarke stares at the sink in the restroom. There are other women fussing around her, but she doesn’t care to notice. The water is still running cold over her shaking hands. The soap is gone, but she doesn’t pull them away.

Lexa’s out there in the lobby somewhere, and she doesn’t even know Clarke is here. Clarke doesn’t know why she’s so on edge about seeing her again, after all it’s not like they ended on bad terms. Sure, they hadn’t contacted each other since then, but that’s what they’d agreed on. It was too hard to stay in touch, and remind each other of what they didn’t have anymore.

“Miss, are you alright?”

She turns her body to see a woman looking at her with concern etched into the wrinkles around her eyes. “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry, it’s all yours.” She plasters on a smile and turns off the sink, finally stepping away to dry her hands and leave.

As Clarke exits the restroom she begins to walk back towards the waiting chairs where she left Raven and the others.

Of course, that’s when she sees her.

She spots the back of Lexa’s head in the crowd. It’s unmistakably her. Clarke would know her anywhere. The blonde only hesitates for a second before walking towards the cellist with determination. Lexa is stopped twice as she walks over to her, probably receiving compliments. The brunette looks perfect and she feels her knees go a little weak, but she steels herself and forces her legs to keep moving. When she gets close enough she reaches out towards Lexa before she can tell herself not to, and she taps the bare skin of her shoulder.

When the girl turns around, Clarke can see the complete and utter surprise as their eyes meet, and finally she can see Lexa up close again. From her brown curls to the proud jut of her chin, it’s so clear that it’s the same Lexa she fell in love with. But she can also see that there’s something different about her in the way she holds herself now. She’s much more composed, more regal maybe. Much like the blonde it seems, Lexa has matured.

Regardless of the slight changes – maybe more as a _result_ of the subtle difference – Clarke finds that she feels the need to paint her as she is now. Even though she still has countless paintings in her old bedroom closet of the girl. Even though she hasn’t felt the desire to paint on two months.

“I- I. Clarke? What- How did you- It’s been so-“ Lexa fumbles over her words adorably and Clarke can’t help but smile. Her previous regal composure lost in almost an instant and she’s suddenly the same insecure high school girl she met sophomore year.

There are somethings that just don’t change, Clarke supposes. Lexa is still an adorable dork of a woman.

 

***

 

_“Oh my god, you are such a dork!” Clarke yells as she watches her girlfriend trip over her carry-on luggage. She watches as green eyes dart around the crowded terminal to find the source of the insult, and when she sees the huge dopey grin appear on Lexa’s face at finding her she can’t help it anymore. Clarke separates herself from the rest of the Woods family and runs towards the brunette, scooping her up in an embrace that lifts her off the ground and spins her._

_Lexa is yelling at her to put her down, but the blonde finds that she could care less. She hasn’t seen Lexa in almost a full year so she thinks her actions are valid. Clarke does put her down though, only because she isn’t exactly cut out to lift_ anyone _for very long, but not without muffling her girlfriend’s scolding words that try to escape her lips as she passionately captures them between her own. The brunette doesn’t put up much a fight; they’re very quickly melting together, and it’s almost like she never left._

_Then again the kiss wouldn’t be quite so desperate if she had never left._

_The kiss is ruined and two girls have to break apart because Lexa can’t contain her smile. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to let you leave again,” Clarke breathes as she rests their foreheads together._

_Lexa only chuckles lightly in response, and places another chaste kiss on her lips._

_“Alright you two, enough of that. Let’s get you home. Welcome back sweetie,” Lexa’s mom says as she approaches them, since they clearly aren’t going to move anytime soon otherwise. The young musician is forced to step away from her girlfriend in order to hug each of her family members, but she never lets go of her hand._

_As they walk out of the airport, Clarke and Lexa are subjected to the teasing smirk that Anya bears while she tells them how disgustingly cute they’re being and how she probably has a cavity or two just from standing next to them._

_They don’t really care._

_*_

_It’s been five weeks since Lexa’s come back and she only has two more left. There are indents left on Lexa’s fingers from an hour of practicing, and paint staining Clarke’s fingers from spending that hour painting. There is a green smear that cascades across the blonde’s cheek bone that Lexa had definitely noticed and carefully elected not to mention. She only smiled lovingly when asked about paint smudges, though a closer look would have revealed the momentary glint in her eyes._

_Currently though, Clarke is attempting to melt herself into the other girl as they’re both sprawled across the couch, in hopes that she won’t have to be separated from her again if she succeeds._

_Lexa is trying to read through the score that she’s chosen for her ‘optional’ summer assignment, but doesn’t seem to mind at all as the blonde nuzzles her nose further into the crook of her neck and places a featherlike kiss on her collarbone. In fact, Lexa smiles softly at the action, kissing the top of her blonde head in return, using one hand to scratch lightly at her scalp while the other holds the part of the score._

_Neither of them are aware that the TV is still on, both very preoccupied with their individual tasks. They’re dressed in sweatpants and sports bras to compensate for the summer heat, and they haven’t left the Woods household in about three days. Lexa had promised this entire weekend to Clarke, so they’re spending it simply enjoying the other’s presence._

_“So are you two going to like, leave the house anytime soon or are you really just gonna lay around_ cuddling _all day?”_

_“Shut up, Anya,” they say in unison. It’s all in good humor, Anya understands why they’re like this. They’re making up for all the physical contact that they didn’t get to have for an entire year. Doesn’t make it any less insufferable to witness though._

_The older girl just snickers and shakes her head as she makes her way to the front door. “Alright, I’m heading out. Mom and dad aren’t coming back ‘till tonight, but remember: No sex anywhere that isn’t your room, Lexie!” Anya yells before slamming the door shut, drawing a deep blush from both girls as they remembered the incident that made Anya feel the need to formally make the rule in the first place._

_They spend the next twenty minutes or so content with their arrangement, when Clarke lifts her head to look at Lexa and finally speaks up. “So, just to clarify, does that rule apply to the couch?” she asks playfully, and the brunette has to fight the smile a smile from forming on her face as she unsuccessfully pretends to keep reading her score. “Come on, I thought you told me you’d be mine this weekend?” she asks huskily._

_Lexa rolls her eyes at the statement and finally sets the score down safely on top of the couch cushion. “I suppose I did say that, didn’t I?” She smiles, bringing Clarke’s face down to place a kiss on the tip of her nose, then kissing her properly on the mouth. She’s about to request entrance with her tongue when the blonde breaks the kiss with a smile of her own._

_“Someone definitely failed that test, because this is definitely not you’re room,” Clarke teases, followed by soft laughter at the adorable pout that Lexa has put on. “I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.”_

_“You’re the one that asked,” Lexa huffed jokingly._

_“I was just trying to get your full attention.”_

_“Well, it worked.” Lexa chuckles and places a light kiss to Clarke’s forehead. “What did you need my full attention for?” she asks curiously._

_“I think I’ve finally settled on what I want to do, career wise that is,” Clarke pushes herself up from her girlfriend’s torso and untangles their legs as she follows so that they’re both sitting up. Lexa pushes her blonde hair from her face and begins to caress her arm, patiently waiting with bated breath. “It shouldn’t have taken me so long to figure it out, you know with my mom and everything, but I’ve finally decided that I do want to be a surgeon. I thought a lot about it and I love art, but I also love medicine, and I can still do art if I choose medicine. Maybe not as much, but it wouldn’t disappear from my life.”_

_Lexa’s reaction is immediate. “That’s amazing, Clarke,” she says enthusiastically. “I’m so happy for you.”_

_“Thank you,” Clarke breathes, smiling gratefully. She knew that Lexa would support her no matter what, but it was still comforting to hear the words come from her mouth. “Now I just have to get through all that school.”_

_“You’re a top notch student, Clarke. I know you can do it.”_

_“Well, yes. I know_ that _, but-“_

_“And oh so modest too,” Lexa laughs, a new quirk to her brow._

_“I’m being serious, Lex,” The blonde smacks her lightly on the shoulder with a laugh, but she sobers up quickly as she thinks of what she’s about to say. “Me doing this means I’m going to have to throw myself into my studies a lot more than I have this past year, and… you’re already busy as it is and it’s already so hard to make time for each other now. I just don’t want-“_

_“Stop,” Lexa says softly, pressing a kiss to her shoulder soothingly, sensing her vulnerability. “We’ll work through it. We’ve been able to push through this first year, and we can push through another one. I love you, and I’ll do everything I can to make this work.”_

_“I love you too.” Clarke takes a deep calming breath and rests her forehead against Lexa’s as she closes her eyes. “How did I get such an amazing girlfriend?”_

_The brunette laughs at that and pulls her in for a hug, now taking her turn to nuzzle into Clarke’s neck. “You’re going to be great,” she says quietly. Her breath skims across Clarke’s skin and causes goosebumps to rise over collarbone and heat to coil in her lower stomach._

_Clarke wordlessly tilts Lexa’s chin up to bring her into a kiss that quickly deepens. It doesn’t take much longer for her to finally allow Lexa’s tongue entrance this time, and for her hands to start roaming the expanse of her girlfriend’s exposed stomach. Things become very heated very quickly and Clarke can’t help but think that this is the closest to Lexa that she’s ever felt._

_They’ve spent the past four years together as both friends and lovers; they’ve shared so many moments and first times together; they’ve opened up to each other in ways they’ve never opened up before. But for some reason it’s right now, after spending three days straight just_ being _with each other, that she feels the most connected with Lexa. Right now she feels like there’s nothing that can get in her way – their way. She’s not afraid of anything anymore. Not as long as she has Lexa._

_Her revelation doesn’t last too long though, when Lexa nips lightly at her ear before whispering in a commanding tone, “Room. Now.”_

_It isn’t until after they are lying in bed naked that Clarke lifts her head tiredly from the damp skin of Lexa’s chest and notices the green mark she leaves. She narrows her eyes at her girlfriend before wiping at her cheek violently and coming away with more green. When she looks back at Lexa accusingly, the brunette is avoiding her eyes in faux innocence, the hint of a smile touching her mouth._

***

 

“Hi,” she says weekly, attempting to make conversation where it was clear that Lexa couldn’t do so herself at the moment.

_‘Hi’? Two years and all you have to say is ‘Hi’? Great. Groundbreaking. You really know how to make a girl’s knees go weak._

Lexa doesn’t reply, but her mouth is slightly parted like she’s trying to find words. Clarke figures she’s probably just shocked.

“Um…” Clarke bites her bottom lip. She didn’t really know what to do, but if Lexa won’t speak, she figures she has to. “I know you probably didn’t expect me to-“

She’s unable to finish her sentence though because Lexa has pulled her into a tight hug. Clarke doesn’t react for a second, but once she wraps her brain around what’s happening, she brings her hands up to return her hug. She doesn’t really want the brunette to let go at all, but Lexa eventually backs away and she’s forced to let her. They don’t completely separate. Lexa holds both her hands still, squeezing them as she speaks.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here? I had no idea you were coming.” She thinks she sees Lexa’s eyes glistening, but she chooses not to mention it.

Clarke smiles, her nerves completely gone now. “I told you I’d be the first to congratulate you when you came back at your concert, though I guess I’m a couple people too late.” It’s an old promise. One that probably shouldn’t hold much meaning anymore, but it does. Oh, it _does_.

Lexa is looking at Clarke with tender eyes. She imagines her own eyes must mirror them, and a silence falls between them. It’s a comfortable silence though. It’s saying everything that Clarke’s too nervous to say herself right now. It says ‘I still love you,’ it says, ‘I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you so much, Clarke.” Okay, so one of them is much braver tonight it seems.

Clarke swallows the lump in her throat. “I’ve missed you too, I…” she hesitates to finish her sentence. She doesn’t know where they stand. She knows that she still loves Lexa, and she wants nothing more than another chance for them to be together again, but she doesn’t know what Lexa wants. She doesn’t even know if Lexa’s single right now. The thought of that makes Clarke feel nauseous, but she pushes that idea away, because right here, right now she’s standing in front of the love of her life after two years of separation and she’s not going to ruin that with rash words and unwanted thoughts.

“Lexa! You played beautifully sweetheart,” Mrs. Woods’ voice sounds from behind Lexa. She gives her daughter a hug, effectively tearing her away from Clarke and leaving her hands cold in the new emptiness she flexes them in. She immediately feel the need to reach out for her again, but stops herself.

“Thank you.” Lexa says, giving her father a hug too.

“Yeah, I knew you were like, really good, but I didn’t think you’d be like… a professional,” Raven smirks from next to Anya. “Long time no see, kid.”

“Hi, Raven. Anya,” Lexa addresses her sister, a quirk to her brow, and Clarke knows she’s ready to start teasing her older sister.

The blonde struggles to converse with this group of people, her eyes keep landing back on Lexa, and her hands keep itching to reach out to her. She wants to be able to hold her like she used to, even just holding her hand would be fine. She doesn’t though, instead Clarke manages to make it through twenty minutes of talking before Lexa’s family decide to excuse themselves for the night. It’s only just turning eight thirty because the concert was held early, but Mrs. Woods claims that she’s getting old and must retire for the day.

Clarke doesn’t miss the wink she sends her before she leaves and blushes deeply.

“Are you not going back with them?” Lexa asks when she stays put.

The blonde shakes her head. “I was thinking…” she doesn’t want to assume anything. Lexa probably has other things she’d rather be doing.

Her ex seems to catch on though, and she smiles a little. “Are your shoes comfortable enough to walk in? There’s a place around the corner that I’ve been really wanting to try out.”

Clarke lets out a subtle breath of relief and nods. She had worn her most comfortable heels just in case. There are so many things that they still need to catch up on, so many things Clarke wants to tell her. Albeit that not all of those things are _positive_ per se, but Clarke wants her best friend back in her life, and that means filling her in on everything she’s missed and vice versa.

“Okay. I just need to text Ontari and Echo to bring my cello back to our room, and then we can leave.”

She notices the brightness in Lexa’s eyes as she speaks. “Alright.”

Whatever problems they had in the past disappeared the moment she and Lexa were facing each other again. God, she had missed Lexa.

 

***

 

_Clarke missed another call from Lexa._

_She’s sitting at her desk and her head is resting on the cushion of her arms on top of the Human Anatomy text book. Clarke had fallen asleep while studying again. The blonde squints down at the lit screen of her phone to check the time to find that it’s nearly two o’clock in the morning and groans quietly._

_She also sees a notification for eight missed calls._

_Clarke jolts up into a sitting position so that she doesn’t fall back asleep and quickly hits speed dial. It’s been five days since she last heard her voice and she’s not sure she can go another._

_“Hi.” Lexa says on the phone. Her voice sounds despondent._

_Clarke take a deep breath before launching into her apology. “I’m so sorry Lexa, I didn’t get any sleep the night before and I was just studying all day and fell asleep on my desk. I know we planned to call each other, I’m so-“_

_“Clarke, I get it!" she hears her snap._

_There’s a long stretch of silence. Clarke isn’t sure what she is supposed to say to make this better, at the same time she knows there’s nothing she can do about it. They had sat together in silence many times before, even on the phone, but this silence is much different. It feels loaded. As if it could go off at any moment,_

_There’s been a huge weight on their relationship ever since both girls were launched back into school. Lexa had already been extremely busy starting last year to begin with, but Clarke’s schedule hadn’t been as bad at the time. But now that she knew what she wanted to do with her life she had taken on more classes and spent more time studying. It’s been like this for seven months._

_“I-“_

_“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap like that. I just…” she can hear the brunette take a deep breath, and it comes out heavy and ragged the way it does when she’s overly stressed, or on the brink tears. How she wished she could run her hands through her brown, curly hair right now to calm her. “I have about an hour before I have to go to meet with Indra. Tell me about your day? Please?” It’s spoken quietly, almost like she’s begging. Like she thinks that Clarke will actually say no._

_“Of course.” Clarke says, a sad smile on her face that Lexa can’t see. There isn’t much to tell Lexa, but she tells her anyway. The conversation sounds light, and they even share a few laughs, but there a feeling of desperation in the pit of her stomach that won’t leave, an underlying tension to their speech. She keeps her voice low so she doesn’t wake up Raven – they had found each other at the university and instantly reconnected again, becoming roommates the very next semester – and when she’s finished she asks Lexa to do the same._

_The conversation ends with the usual I love you’s and hallow promises to call soon._

_When Clarke sets her phone down and crawls into her cold sheets she stares at the ceiling, unable to fall back asleep. She doesn’t know what she can do to fix the problem in their relationship, especially when neither of them acknowledge that there even is a problem most of the time and it just becomes some huge argument when they do. The obvious answer is to just give each other more of their attention and time, but that would require either her or Lexa to have to give something up. She doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want them to resent each other for anything._

_She’s afraid._

_No. She’s not afraid; she’s terrified._

 

***

 

It’s almost like those two years had never passed. Now that they’re able to see each other again without the weight of an impending separation, and nothing feels tense anymore as they sit across from each other at a small table.

The conversation between them flows naturally as they began to fill each other in on the past two years. They started small – things like what they’re doing with their lives right now, recent things they’ve done – before starting to get past the surface. They laugh, joke, and Clarke thinks – no, she hopes – that there’s even some flirting involved. Of course the flirting comes naturally to both of them. Near the end of their meal they were talking about some of the rough patches they had hit, even going as far as to say that they wished that they had each other during those times.

And Clarke wants to tell Lexa. She wants to tell her the biggest rough patch that’s been weighing down on her for the past year; the thing that nearly made her break and contact Lexa despite their agreement. But before she knows it, dinner is over and they’re walking out of the restaurant after arguing over the check – Clarke pays, winning with the fact that tonight is supposed to be Lexa’s night – and Clarke can’t help but worry over it. She can tell that it must be affecting her conversation, because Lexa is looking at her worriedly after a few minutes.

“Are you alright?”

 

***

 

_“Clarke.” She feels someone shake her shoulder a little and it wakes her up. “Clarke are you alright?”_

_She doesn’t respond, the answer should be obvious. She only shuffles a little and buries herself further into the pillow. Lexa’s pillow. It still smells like her. Clarke struggles to remember how she came to be here at the Woods family home._

_“Jesus Christ, I leave you alone for three hours and you pull this shit? Talk to me.”_

_“Raven, go away.”_

_“No.”_

_She glares at the brunette. “Why are you even here? It’s spring break. Go to your own house.”_

_“Anya called me from your phone. She told me that she found you passed out drunk on a park bench, Clarke. I don’t care how fucking depressed you are, you can’t do shit like that. Anyone could have found you, you’re fucking lucky it was Anya.” Raven sounds furious. She’s probably pursing her lips together in anger right now and clenching her fists but the blonde doesn’t have the energy to check._

_Clarke pulls the blanket over her head._ Right, Anya. _She vaguely remembers Anya waking her up, dragging her into the house, and dropping her onto Lexa’s old bed._

_“Do you want me to call Finn?”_

_“I don’t want Finn.”_

_Raven is silent for a moment, but she gets it. She knows Finn is nothing more than a rebound, though a sober Clarke would never admit that. “Yeah, I don’t really like Finn that much either.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“Clarke, did you even tell him-“_

_“No. Not yet. I can’t.”_

_Raven just starts to run her hands through Clarke’s hair soothingly then, deciding that it’s better not to push her anymore and let her have some peace and quiet. It only stays like that for about five minutes though._

_“Okay, that’s it.” Anya snaps. “What the hell happened to her?” Clarke didn’t even know she was in the room. She’s not sure she likes being talked about like she isn’t there, but she doesn’t have the strength to argue about it. At least that means she doesn’t have to talk._

_“It’s not really something I can tell-“_

_“Cut the crap. Clarke is basically my_ family _, I deserve to know the reason she’s so drunk she can’t even tell the difference between her bed and a park bench.”_

_Clarke doesn’t move. She doesn’t want to. But she nods when she feels Raven look at her for permission. She hears Raven heave a sigh. “Her dad died.”_

_She hates hearing it out loud. Her chest feels empty and she can’t feel her toes. She should probably be trying to study right now, review some content so she doesn’t go back to school feeling clueless when spring break ends. She doesn’t care though. She was studying when she got the call. The one that informed her of the accident._

_That was three days ago._

_She can still remember frantically making the three hour drive from campus to the hospital where her dad was taken. She remembers walking into the hospital doors and immediately being taken to see her dad in his room. She remembers the look on her mom’s face as she walked in; empty. Most of all she remembers the cry that tore through her throat when her mom spoke two simple words. “He’s gone.”_

_He couldn’t hold on long enough for her to even say goodbye._

_They were supposed to have lunch when she came back for spring break._

_One beat passes. “_ What? _” Anya exclaims. “How the hell have we not heard about this?”_

_“Abby has probably spent a total of five hours at the house since it happened. She won’t stop working. And Clarke is… well you can see for yourself.” Clarke rolls her eyes._

_“I guess that explains why she won’t answer my mom’s calls.” Anya lets out a shaky breath. “Clarke, I’m so sorry. We didn’t really know him that well, I guess. He was always away for business. It’s still… I should probably-”_

_“Don’t tell her.” The blonde finally speaks, getting up to stand. She’s swaying a little bit on her feet and both girls can tell that she’s clearly still drunk. Raven gets up to help her, but Clarke swats her swats away. “Don’t tell her. Please.”_

_“Clarke I-“_

_“No! I don’t want her to know.” Clarke falls back onto the bed. She doesn’t want to tell Lexa because she knows just what her ex would do. Lexa would call her and take the first flight back just so she can make sure Clarke is okay. They may not have talked in a year, but she knows Lexa wouldn’t hesitate. She would do the exact same, and of course she wants Lexa there. She wants her there so much, but she doesn’t want her to worry. She doesn’t want to distract her. The_

_“She needs to focus on school,” Clarke says weakly._

_There’s a long pause where Anya hesitates, but eventually she nods. “Okay. But I’m telling mom and dad.” She turns towards the door. “And you’re sleeping here tonight, alright? Raven are you staying?”_

_Clarke hears her roommate sigh and she assumes that she is nodding. She run her fingers through Clarke’s blonde hair once before she crawls into the space next to Clarke. She makes sure the blonde falls asleep first._

_*_

_Clarke wakes up only about thirty minutes later. The clock on the wall tells her that it’s about one in the morning. Her head still feels light and she’s only partially aware of her surroundings. Raven is sleeping next to her and all she really knows is that she’s in Lexa’s bed for some reason. Anya. Right, it was because of Anya. She pushes herself off the bed because she can still smell Lexa in it, and it’s making her heart ache more than it already was._

_She makes her way to the door and through the familiar hallways. She hasn’t been upstairs in this house since she and Lexa broke up, but she’s spent many dinners and when Anya is back, many family nights here still. It was just too much to stop talking to them too, though they’re always careful not to mention Lexa._

_Once she’s made it down the stairs, she heads for the kitchen so she can get a glass of water. Clarke reaches for the cupboard where she knows the glasses are, but when she opens it she sees plates instead._

Fuck, of course they change everything, _she almost starts crying because everything is changing around her, and she can’t even control where the fucking glasses are, even though they’ve been in this cupboard for the last five years. Clarke wants to slam her hand against the counter in frustration but she knows that everyone is probably asleep right now._

_She slams her hand against the counter anyways._

_In the corner of her eye she sees the landline and doesn’t think twice when she grabs at it with trembling fingers, and dials the number she’s committed to memory. Clarke doesn’t know why she’s doing this, but she needs to._

_“Hello?”_

_Clarke covers the mic on the phone and she slumps onto the kitchen floor. Lexa’s sounds like she was just laughing at something, and she imagines that she must be out with her friends. Maybe even out on a date. She grinds her teeth at that thought._

_“Mom, is that you? It’s the middle of the night over there.”_

_Clarke holds back a sob. She knows she should probably say something, but she can’t. She wants Lexa to keep talking. She wants to hear her voice again. She wants to tell her about her dad, even though she just told Anya not to._

_She feels like she’s suffocating._

_“Dad? Is anyone there?” she can hear Lexa’s exasperated breath. “Anya, I swear to god, if you’re just messing with me…”_

_“He’s gone,” she whispers, but she keeps her hand over the phone so Lexa can’t hear her. She continues to sob in silence and stays on the line even after Lexa hangs up. “I need you.” Her voice is shakier that she thought it’d be. She sounds pathetic, and that’s something she had never thought herself to be before. Pathetic because she’s sitting on the kitchen floor trying to call her ex-girlfriend. Pathetic because her dad just died and all she wants – aside from him – is for her ex-girlfriend to be there holding her through this._

_She hangs up the phone seconds later._

_“Jesus, I’m so fucking stupid,” Clarke mutters through her tears, hanging her head in her hands._

_She needs to figure out how she’s going to do this without Lexa. How she’s going to pull herself back together. She can do it, she knows she can. She has to. But she’s afraid._

_Scratch that, she’s not afraid. It’s not fear she feels. She can’t feel anything right now. She just feels broken._

 

***

 

“Sorry, just blanked out for a second. I’m fine,” Clarke smiles politely. She knows that Lexa can see through her, but the brunette doesn’t question her further.

“I’ll walk you back to your hotel.”

“Don’t you have to meet up with your friends? I don’t want to keep you from them.” She hates the way she speaks the words. Like they don’t have a history. Like she doesn’t already know that Lexa would never let her walk back to her hotel alone.

“It’s not even nine thirty and I’m not meeting with them until eleven. Please, I don’t mind,” Lexa insists. To be perfectly honest, that’s exactly what Clarke wants, she’s just too insecure to admit it. She doesn’t want the night to end at all actually, because she doesn’t want to wake up alone the next morning and realize this was all a dream. Clarke doesn’t say that though, she just nods.

The walk is extremely familiar. Not the places, nor the streets, but the feeling that Clarke had always gotten when she was next to Lexa. Every part of her is telling her to reach out and hold her hand. To pretend that the past two years hadn’t happened and that they’re still very much in love with each other.

Well, that is still half true at least. Clarke still loves Lexa. She loves the gentle bounce of her curly hair, the way her eyes still sparkle as she talks about music, the very feint scar that is barely visible on her bottom lip, the adorable way she tilts her head when she’s curious about something, the way she tears and twists at her napkin when she’s anxious. There’s so much about Lexa that is still the same girl she fell in love with all those years ago, but there’s also something different about her, as she had spotted earlier that night in the music hall. Clarke figures that she’ll probably love the new things as well. She thinks that maybe if things have indeed changed on Lexa’s side, then she would have to find way to just be friends with her again. They’ve done it before, she can certainly do it again.

Just as she was getting lost in her thoughts, Clarke feels something warm encasing her hand, and she looks up at Lexa in surprise. The brunette is smiling warmly at her, though she’s clearly blushing as she tentatively tangles their fingers together.

“It just feels right,” she explains simply, and Clarke can’t hold back her grin. It feels like all the times they had held hands back when they were still friends, back then she had tallied it up to the fact that they were just very tactile in their friendship, and it was normal to platonically hold hands. And it is. Platonic hand holding is definitely a thing, as she discovered when she reconnected with Raven again, but it was a never a thing between Clarke and Lexa. Every touch had meant something more. She smiles to herself a little as she remembers how ridiculously long it took for her to realize that she loved Lexa.

Her resolve starts to slowly fall apart after that.

Okay, so maybe she wouldn’t be able to settle for friendship after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next, we're back in Lexa's POV and no more flashbacks!
> 
> [update: added in a real quick new line because i realized i missed out on more of a parallelism opportunity, sorry to those of you that missed out] 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, that last flashback sequence was really painful for me to write because I had to put in a little bit of my own experience with the recent loss of my own father, and that whole flashback was a lot.
> 
> ANYWAYS. yikes.
> 
> Please tell me what you think of it, I love reading your comments! Questions/requests/and critique are also welcome if you have any. :)


	3. Waiting and Wanting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunited and it feels so good. Sorry, I had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for the cheesy lyric summary, lol. As I promised, the last chapter is up today!
> 
> Admittedly, I'm not as satisfied with this chapter as I have been for the first two, but it might just be because I really loved writing the flashback sequences. I guess that's for you to tell me though.
> 
> I hope you enjoy! :)

Lexa is completely overwhelmed, and she’s pretty sure she’s doing a terrible job at hiding it. Though Clarke doesn’t comment on it at all.

She had been left emotionally vulnerable after playing such a personal piece for an audience, and on top of that Clarke Griffin had shown up and caused a whole new tidal wave of emotions to wash over her. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing.

The past hour or so that Lexa has spent talking with Clarke almost felt like they had separated. The only thing reminding her of that fact is every time Lexa feels the need to touch the smooth skin of her hand or cheek, or every time she has the sudden urge to comb her fingers through her beautiful blonde hair, or every aching moment she spends wanting to kiss the pleasant curve of her lips.

Then they are leaving the restaurant, and without the table coming in between them any longer, and the way Clarke’s eyes are downcast in whatever deep thought she is having, and how her hand keeps brushing against hers, occasionally twitching in – what Lexa hopes to be – desire to hold her hand too, nothing stops her from reaching out.

So she does, and she is pleasantly surprised – thought maybe not too surprised – when Clarke smiles at her and doesn’t pull away.

The brunette almost feels like she’s dreaming. I wouldn’t be too far out there, she’s had this dream many times before. Clarke is here again, and she’s holding her hand. More accurately she is holding _Clarke’s_ hand, she supposes. Her determination to hold back is dwindling, and she can’t find in herself to feel any remorse for that.

For a moment she pretends that they never broke it off. She lets herself think that they’re taking a romantic stroll down the streets of Portland, and that she could kiss Clarke whenever she wanted. Except she can’t. It’s a little complicated, she’s not really sure if Clarke wants anything with her still. Regardless of the fact that she had shown up here after all these years, it was a promise the blonde had made to her a long time ago, and Clarke never went back on her word. Well, except once.

“Lexa, this is very important. I need you to listen to me,” Clarke suddenly says, interrupting her train of thought.

Astonished by Clarke’s sudden resolve, Lexa is almost instantly intrigued by what she has to say. She doesn’t respond with words but she looks over at the blonde with a serious expression, ready to hear whatever important thing this must be.

“Lexa, I want ice cream.” Clarke deadpanned.

Lexa blinked.

Once.

Twice.

She cocks her head to the side a little and furrows her brow. “I’m sorry, _what_?”

Without warning, Clarke breaks into laughter, effectively distracting Lexa from her previous confusion. The sound never fails to bring a smile to Lexa’s face as she’s flooded with the many wonderful memories that came with that specific laugh; the laugh Clarke uses when she thinks she’s being hilarious. Like all her laughs, it’s still like music to her ears, and easily outshines every breathtaking symphony that she’s ever listened to or played.

She blatantly stares at the blonde, who is rather oblivious to it as she covers her mouth with her hand in an attempt to stifle her smile. Lexa gets the sudden urge to pull that hand down and take the smile from Clarke’s pretty pink lips with her own. Instead of doing just that, she opens her mouth to speak, hoping to divert such thoughts. “What are you laughing at?” Lexa asks fondly.

Clarke brings her hand down, revealing her smile. “I’m sorry, you were just so adorably confused, I-“ she cut herself off, and wiped the smile from her face. “Anyways, there’s ice cream place, right over there,” she said quickly, gesturing towards something across the street. With piqued interest, Lexa’s gaze follows and lands on the long line, then back to the blonde that was looking on longingly.

“I see you haven’t changed at all.” Lexa smiled, subconsciously tightening her hold on the blonde’s hand momentarily. “Still an abhorrent ice cream demon.”

“Excuse me, abhorrent?”

Without hesitation Lexa began explaining, “Abhorrent; to inspire disgust and-“

“I _know_ what it means, Lex.” She playfully bumps the brunette’s her shoulder with hers. “I’ll admit to ice cream demon, but I am most definitely not _abhorrent_.” Clarke rolls her eyes and feigns further offence, but Lexa notices how she doesn’t let go of her hand, and could distinctly see a small smile struggling to break free again.

Lexa readily admits to herself how pleased she is that Clarke’s unhealthy infatuation with ice cream had remained. It made the gap in time feel a lot smaller.

Not that she’d tell Clarke that.

“Mhmm, sure, Clarke.” the brunette hummed in faux agreement. Lexa had nearly forgotten how much she loves saying her name; feeling it roll of her tongue and the soft click of the ‘k’ when it finished. “Come on, let’s get the princess her ice cream.” She tugs on Clarke’s hand gently, and was unsurprisingly met with very little resistance.

They stood in line for at least fifteen minutes just to order. A ridiculous amount of time if you ask Lexa, but Clarke insisted that this was actually a very good night and she’d never seen the line this short.

When they set off towards the hotel again, each with a waffle cone, ten minutes of casual conversation fly by and they’re in front of Clarke’s hotel, hers is just another five minute walk away. They stand slightly facing each other now, and Lexa isn’t sure how she’s supposed to say goodbye. Neither does she want to.

“So…” Clarke starts, but leaves it awkwardly hanging in the air around them.

Lexa clears her throat. “I should… probably leave you to it, then.”

“I suppose so.”

Neither of them move away or let go of the other’s hand, and it’s becoming increasingly obvious that they don’t want to say goodnight just yet.

Lexa figures she should just rip the band-aid off. She rationalizes that she will likely see Clarke again tomorrow, probably riding back with her family to their hometown. It isn’t like she’ll just disappear. Except part of Lexa can’t help but feel that she might.

“It really was great catching up with you, Clarke. We should definitely do it again,” she pushes through.

Clarke nods, but her eyes are looking down somewhere, and she’s biting the inside of her lip the way Lexa knows she does when she’s thinking, so she decides not to leave just yet. They stand in front of the hotel for another moment, and Clarke still hasn’t said anything.

“Goodnight, Clarke,” Lexa says quietly, and the blonde looks up at her finally. If it was something she needed to say, Lexa is sure that Clarke will tell her eventually, it doesn’t have to be now. They have time.

The realization of that hits her harder than she expects it to. _They have time._ She almost wants to cry. Or laugh maybe.

Lexa squeezes Clarke’s hand one more time to strengthen her resolve to _let go,_ but for one frustrating moment, her hand refuses to cooperate, knowing that Lexa doesn’t actually want that no matter what her head is telling her. But she knows that she probably should. Reluctantly, she begins to loosen her grip on Clarke’s hand, already missing its warmth. Before she can fully let go though, Clarke grips tighter, keeping her there.

“Do you want to come up?”

The surprise Lexa felt must have clearly shown on her face because the blonde is instantly blushing at the possible insinuation.

“Just to talk! I mean- I just, it’s been so long, and I’ve missed you. Anya and Raven are in their room just next to mine, we could invite them to hang out too if you want. I don’t really want to say goodbye just yet, and there’s still a lot I want to tell you, that is. I just… yeah,” she ends her rambling weakly. Lexa’s always loved when Clarke starts to nervously ramble off. She loved watching her girlfr- _ex-girlfriend_ get adorably flushed, and speak vigorously with her hands. But Clarke is avoiding her eyes now, and Lexa really wishes she wouldn’t. Her eyes are one of Lexa’s most favorite things to look at, and she’s been deprived of them for much too long.

So, who cares if they have time? They also have right now.

“Yes, I’d like that.”

*

The two girls sit on opposite sides of the hotel couch passing around a bottle of wine provided by the hotel, their ice cream cones long finished. Anya and Raven are nowhere to be seen and when Clarke asks, Raven texts her back saying that they had decided to try this fancy restaurant on the other side of the city.

Clarke had lent Lexa a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt to change into when they entered her room so that they could both talk in more comfortable clothing.

Neither of them mention that the shirt she gave her had originally belonged to Lexa in the first place.

Their legs are propped up across the couch, careful not to brush against each other too much, even though Lexa desperately wants more contact. There is laughter and subtle – maybe not so subtle – longing glances as they continue to catch up on the things that have happened in each other’s absence as well as just talking and enjoying each other’s presence and reminisce about the past.

They abide by an unspoken rule; they talk around their past relationship, as well as whatever relations they had after, but with a half bottle of wine to each of them, the walls they had put up since seeing each other again are quickly crumbling. Eventually they crumble enough to make Lexa feel especially open about her feelings.

“God, I missed talking to you like this so much,” Lexa hums in contentment. Then with an honesty that only the effect of alcohol can have on her tongue, she adds, “It’s been so hard not being with you.”

The words sink in for a moment and a bittersweet smile takes to Clarke’s mouth. “Me too. You have no idea how many times I almost broke and just dialed you up. I still remember your phone number.”

“Honestly, I almost did too. It got harder around your birthday.”

Suddenly Lexa regrets ever bringing it up, because now there’s hesitation in those blue eyes that she hadn’t seen since they left the restaurant. There was clearly something that Clarke had to say, but she wasn’t saying it. Part of Lexa didn’t even want to hear it in fear of what it might be. The possibility of Clarke telling her that she was in a relationship right now, or some other thing to that effect, was terrifying.

Forgetting herself for a moment, she reaches her hand down and begins rubbing circles into Clarke’s legs that are lying next to her hip next to her, simply because she wanted to touch her, and also to soothe whatever worry she’s currently turning over in her head. But in her ministrations the cloth of her sweatpants ruffle and reveal a portion of-

“Clarke, did you get a tattoo?” Lexa widens her eyes at the girl across from her. They often talked about tattoos in the past, but only because Lexa wanted them. The blonde had expressed very clearly that she had no intention of getting a tattoo, if only because of the pain, but that it’d be incredibly sexy if Lexa got one. When her eighteenth birthday had passed and Lexa got both an arm piece a back piece done, Clarke learned that she could not have been closer to the truth in her prediction.

The question appears to make Clarke uncomfortable though and Lexa hastily draws her hand back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have overstepped.”

“No, it’s fine. I actually wanted to tell you about it.” Clarke takes a deep breath and reaches down to lift one of her pant legs and uncover her ankle tattoo completely. It’s small, and very fitting of the blonde, depicting a minimalist flower and a date numbered just underneath it.

Lexa can’t look away. “That date. Isn’t that Jake’s…” she doesn’t dare finish her question, suddenly afraid of the answer, but Clarke gives her one anyway.

“It’s his birthday.”

She doesn’t say any more, and Lexa understands. She understands and now there are tears welling in her eyes. “When?”

“It’s almost been a full year.”

Lexa wants to say something. At the very least she wants to say her name, but she isn’t confident that her voice is strong enough not to crack right now. Jake Griffin was a kind man, and while she hadn’t really gotten to know him very well because he was typically gone, she had cared for him deeply. The tears she’s shedding now though aren’t just for his loss, they’re for Clarke. One of the most important people in Clarke’s life had died and she hadn’t been there for her.

She was supposed to always be there for her.

In lieu of words; of an apology; of meaningless condolences, Lexa reaches over and takes Clarke by the wrist with a gentle hand. The blonde puts up very little resistance, only grumbling slightly in confusion, and Lexa carefully maneuvers them so that Clarke is laying on top of her with her face buried in brown curls, their legs naturally tangling together.

Unspoken rules be damned.

“Lexa, I’m fine. I’ve had time to deal with it, you don’t- you don’t have to do this. I just needed you to know.” But her words are lost in the crook of Lexa’s neck. The brunette only holds her tighter when she realizes that Clarke is trembling despite her words, and she feels wet droplets stain her skin. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why- I haven’t cried about this in a so long, I swear, I just-“

“Shhh.”

They stay like that for a while longer with Clarke crying softly. It isn’t hard sobbing, Lexa suspects that she’s probably out of those by now – she tries to keep her anger at herself for not being there for those sobs at bay – but it doesn’t go without a few whimpers. Lexa rubs soothing circles into the small of Clarke’s back and lightly soothing her hand over hair as she tries not to start crying herself. When Lexa feels sure of her voice again, she presses her lips lightly to the top of Clarke’s head – it’s mostly out of habit, and she mostly doesn’t realize she’s done it – before she speaks.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispers it so quietly she isn’t quite sure she had even spoken.

Clarke seems to register her words though, because her body tenses and she spends a couple seconds to breathe and make the tears stop rolling out. “We broke up,” she answers simply, her voice still firm.

The answer breaks Lexa’s heart a little, and her voice comes out harsher than she intends. “You know that wouldn’t have mattered. I would have been there for you. I would have-“

“You would have left everything. I didn’t want that.”

And of course. Of course Clarke put Lexa’s dreams before her own well-being. “Please tell me you weren’t alone.” The words come out desperately, and it almost sounds like she’s begging. Maybe she is.

Clarke shakes her head just enough so that Lexa can feel her cheek rub against the skin of her collarbone, and Lexa is slightly relieved at the answer. “I had Raven, and Anya, and your parents were wonderful.” Lexa is glad her family had been there for Clarke even though she couldn’t be. “After a while my mom started talking to me again too, and…” she trails off and the brunette understands.

“You can tell me. Did you… have someone?” Lexa words it awkwardly. She does it because she doesn’t want to acknowledge that this ‘someone’ could have been what she failed to be for Clarke. She doesn’t like the idea of someone else being Clarke’s at all.

The blonde nods. “Finn.”

To her credit, Lexa tries not to react, she really does. She’s trying to be there for Clarke now, to make up for lost time, and it’s not appropriate to feel jealousy in this moment of openness, but the first thought she has at Clarke’s answer is, _Finn’s a fucking stupid name._ Then she suddenly freezes as she wonders, _Are they still together?_ “It didn’t last long though. I broke up with him a couple months after,” Clarke adds when she seems to catch on to Lexa’s train of thought.

Lexa relaxes instantly and she can feel Clarke looking at her so she chances looking back. Her cheeks are no longer tearstained, but her pink lips are turning up in a _smirk._ It surprises Lexa so much that she forgets to be kind and instantly narrows her eyes. “What?”

“You’re just really obvious when you’re jealous.” Clarke says in an amused tone. She lays her head back down on Lexa’s chest, and just like that there’s a completely different type of tension in the air.

“You can’t expect me to like the idea of you being with someone else, Clarke,” Lexa mutters.

“It’s not like you weren’t with anyone else the past two years though,” Clarke’s body shakes with laughter but her voice sounds empty when she speaks. When her half-hearted teasing is met with silence, she freezes and brings her head back up again to look at Lexa with wide eyes. “You’re kidding.”

Lexa shakes her head.

“Lexa. You are not telling me that the insatiable Commander hasn’t had a relationship with _anyone_ since we broke up.” Clarke’s surprise just seems to grow as she continues to talk. Lexa blushes at her use of the old nickname that their high school orchestra had given her when she usurped first chair from Nia, and that Clarke had used often since then, especially during… intimate situations, but she does her best to answer her seriously.

“I have not been in any relationship since we broke up.” She confirms, and it’s not a lie. Lexa couldn’t imagine being committed to anyone other than Clarke Griffin, and while part of her is hurt that Clarke had tried, she also completely understood. The blonde is still looking at her in disbelief though and forces a sigh from her lips. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because what I’m hearing is that you haven’t had sex in _two years_.” The blatant disbelief and bluntness of her words catch Lexa off guard, and her eyes widen a fraction before her mouth turns up into an amused smile that she tries her best to contain. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Nothing, I just…” The brunette scoffs, releasing her smile along with its accompanying laughter. “It’s called casual sex, Clarke. One night stands, and no strings attached.” She watches as the gears in Clarke’s head turn and can actually see the exact moments her words reach the blonde and click into place.

It’s Clarke’s turn to blush now, and she buries her head far into Lexa’s shoulder. “Oh my god, I know what it is, stop laughing,” she mumbles, but Lexa is still shaking with laughter. “I thought that kind of thing wasn’t… you. You’re a relationship girl,” she pouts. Her bottom lip is sticking out and Lexa is once again oh so tempted to take it between hers.

“The ‘insatiable Commander’ had to get through somehow,” she says, giving Clarke a very meaningful look through her teasing smirk because she needs the blonde to understand. Then, much quieter, much more meaningful, no smirk. “Sexual frustration was one thing, but I couldn’t bring myself to call someone else ‘my girlfriend’.” She pauses. She savors this moment where she still has Clarke in her arms, the little intake of breath she takes as she hangs on Lexa’s words. She lets herself have this before her next words potentially ruin it. “Someone that wasn’t you.”

Lexa waits.

The confession isn’t necessarily straight forward, but it should be clear enough. She grows more anxious as seconds go by because she doesn’t know what she’s waiting for. Will she be met with requited love or rejection? It’s clear that there are still lingering feelings here, if their time together thus far is any indication, and it is. They are both single, and in a place where they can be together again without the threat of separation by an entire ocean. The answer should be clear. It should be obvious.

But Lexa’s insecurities blind her from that. Lexa is still afraid. She is wearing her heart on her sleeve, and it’s there for Clarke to decide if she still wants it.

Honestly she hadn’t planned on this at all. If anything she was going to wait until they had gotten home and see where things would go from there because, once again, they have time. But Lexa doesn’t want to wait anymore. She wants back loving embraces, and unlimited kisses, and endless hand holding. She wants back late nights, and pancakes for breakfast. She wants back Clarke’s early morning smile, the one that belonged to her and only her. Lexa wants all this back and more, and she can only hope that Clarke does too.

But Clarke is pushing herself up now, taking her warmth with her and separating their bodies. For a moment Lexa panics, and she starts thinking of ways to say ‘I’m okay with just being friends’ even though that’s so incredibly far from the truth.

The moment doesn’t last too long though, because Clarke is taking both her hands and rubbing her thumbs across them soothingly.

“No, It’s not- I’m sorry, I just couldn’t think clearly being so close to you and I wanted to actually say something instead of just jumping you on the spot.” The words come bubbling from her mouth so fast that Lexa has to replay them in her head to understand what she saying. She hides her blush with a smirk at the sudden implication and Clarke goes completely red when she realizes what she’s just said.

“Well, I wouldn’t be too opposed to the jumping,” she jokes, trying to make light of the situation and relieve of the pressure that Clarke must feel right now.

“I’m sure you would,” the blonde rolls her eyes. “But I need to say this...” Clarke trains her gaze to where their hands meet, refusing to meet her eyes. “The past two years haven’t been as full as they could have been, not without you. Aside from losing my dad, losing you was the hardest thing that I had to endure.”

The words hurt her, and she knows that’s not what Clarke is trying to do, but when blonde pauses Lexa takes that opportunity to speak. “You never really lost me, I’ve always been yours.”

“But you weren’t _here_ and- no, don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you for anything. I still believe that you made the right choice to go. It was good for you, and you came back better for it. That doesn’t mean it didn’t still suck though.” She’s rambling again, Lexa notices. “And knowing that you didn’t try to have a relationship after me, it makes me feel fucking relieved and I hate that because I had Finn and I have no right to be happy about that.”

“Clarke, you don’t have to explain yourself for that. Not having a relationship was my personal choice, I completely understand why you would,” Lexa says, and she needs that to be very clear. While she hates the thought of her being with anyone else, she doesn’t blame her.

“I know you don’t, because you’re you,” Clarke laughs a little. “You’re you, and you’re so understanding, and I know that. I just- I need you to know that Finn didn’t even mean anything. He was just… there because I was so lonely and I thought that I needed him. But I didn’t, and I figured that out just a little after my dad’s funeral. I thought that I just needed _someone_ to fill the void, but I didn’t need someone I needed _you_.”

Lexa lifts her hand and brushes away the strand of blonde hair that rests on Clarke’s cheek. She watches as her eyes flutter closed at her touch and just barely turns her head into it. She’s not going to lie, hearing that Finn didn’t mean anything brings her a certain amount of relief and joy.

Clarke opens her eyes again and captures Lexa in their blue intensity. “And because I don’t know if you got the message; I also still want you. Fuck, I want you so much and-“ Something clicks in Clarke’s brain because she suddenly stops mid-sentence and pulls herself away from Lexa’s touch. “Oh my God, wait, just to be clear you meant that you still want me back right? I didn’t just say all that-“

“Clarke,” Lexa laughs. Her smile is the widest it’s ever been, and her heart is so full she feels like it’s about to explode because that’s all she needed to hear. Clarke still wants her. “Of course I do.” Part of her says that it’s a bad idea, but Lexa doesn’t care much about that right now because she needs to say it. It’s been two years since she’s said it to her, and needs to say it. “Clarke, I love you.” She stares deep into her eyes and leans in. Just a little. Just enough for Clarke to understand.

And she does. At least it looks like she does. Lexa can see it in her cerulean eyes as she looks up at her, painted with love and reverence, and desire and a hint of… is that? No. Clarke is never… but that’s definitely…

“Don’t be afraid,” she whispers, drawing her in closer. Lexa will be sure to mull over the irony of those words later, but right now she can feel Clarke’s breath mixing with her own. She can feel the ever quickening thump of her heart in her ears, and the way that Clarke is tangling her hand into her curls while her own hand rests gently on the curve of her jaw.

This kiss is soft, but it isn’t timid. It may have been two years but they need no time to relearn each other’s mouths, they had never forgotten them to begin with. Lexa is immediately filled with the sense of home and love and she feels like she could cry. They pull apart to look at each other, and feeling becomes a reality as tears start welling up in her eyes. Clarke leans forward again to capture her delicate, trembling lips with her own, and Lexa lets out a soft, shaky sigh into her mouth.

They change the angle and Lexa lightly brushes her nose against Clarke’s. She can feel a tear trailing down her cheek now, and she’s so overwhelmed with how _much_ she feels right now. This woman, this kind, funny, smart, beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed woman is _hers_ again and she’s kissing her, and _God_ , how she missed this. How she missed _her_.

Any lingering fear, or reservation on either side is quickly lost as their lips are brought together again and again, and both women start to push for more. When she feels Clarke’s tongue sweep into her mouth she hears a soft moan, and she isn’t sure who let it out, but it completely dismantles any semblance of innocence in this kiss. Two years of worth of desires are suddenly let out and Lexa is laying Clarke down onto her back. She can feel Clarke’s hand traveling under her t-shirt and burning the skin of her waist, her ribs, her back, her stomach.

It occurs to Lexa that they should slow down, that maybe this is moving too fast, that they’ve just found each other again and maybe they shouldn’t be doing this right now. But she’s also thinking why? Why slow down? They both want this, and it’s exactly because they’ve just found each other that they shouldn’t slow down. Haven’t they waited long enough? And it’s all this thinking, and all this _feeling_ that Lexa barely even registers the tell-tale click of a doorknob.

“ _Holy shit!_ ”

Both girls tear apart from each other and Lexa’s eyes dart to the new brunette intruder. She glares, but it’s decidedly less effective when her face is probably red, and she’s still panting.

Raven is still standing with the doorway to their joint hotel rooms wide open, much like her eyes are right now. “I was so right!” she exclaims, not at all embarrassed by the situation and turning around to talk to someone who Lexa assumes is Anya. Much to Lexa’s chagrin, Raven then shouts, “An, you owe me ten bucks!”

Lexa hears a quick, “God dammit, Lexa! You have no self-restraint!” from her older sister and if her face wasn’t already red it sure is now. Then to her relief, Anya yells, “Leave them alone Rae!” and Raven closes the door laughing but not before telling them to use protection.

With the joint door closed and _locked_ again, Lexa looks over at Clarke who is sitting on the couch still. She isn’t quite sure how to proceed from here, and so she stands there about two feet away from her just staring.

Clarke is staring right back and after a few moments of letting the awkwardness of the present situation sink it, she starts uncontrollably laughing. Actually laughing. Laughing so much that Lexa thinks she sees tears, and it’s obvious that she’s having difficulty breathing. It isn’t long after her before Lexa is laughing too and she doubles over, because really it’s ridiculous. The situation, having Raven walk in on them, knowing they had a bet going, all of it.

When the laughter has died down, Lexa goes to sit next to Clarke again so that their thighs are pressing against each other and Clarke weaves her arms around her neck. “What do you think they were betting on?”

Lexa ponders that question for a moment. “Either that we were going to get together tonight… or whether or not I’m the top,” she smiles slyly and Clarke smacks her shoulder, remembering an argument they had about that years ago. They share another laugh, and then they’re both leaning in again.

This kiss is much shorter and much softer than the last one had ended.

“You should get going soon, or you’re going to be late meeting up with your friends. It’s ten forty,” Clarke whispers against her lips, and Lexa wants nothing more than to ignore it and go back to what they were doing.

But she can’t. These are her best friends and she may not be seeing three of them ever again, regardless of whatever promises and plans they’ve put in place. So she sighs and backs away to fend off her temptation. “You’re probably right.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Clarke asks hopefully.

“Of course.” Lexa kisses her again. Then an idea. “Or you could come with me now?”

“What?”

“I don’t think I want to be away from you just yet,” she says quietly.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose,” Clarke says hesitantly, but it’s clear that she doesn’t want to be away from her either. They’ve spent enough time being away from each other.

“You wouldn’t, my friends will love you.”

Clarke bites the inside of her lip in contemplation. “Okay.”

Lexa smiles. “Okay.” She catches her lips again because she’s already addicted again, and they’re just _right there_. Lexa doesn’t let go this time, she just keeps kissing her, aware that she’s losing time, but not willing to stop just yet. And really, would it hurt to be a little late? She and her friends were planning on staying up most of the night anyways.

“Lexa, if you don’t stop that, we’re going to be late,” Clarke scolds, but she does nothing to stop Lexa from pulling her closer with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“They can wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that!
> 
> [update] somebody reqiested an epilogue of some kind and I've decided to do it. keep an eye out for it, might make it a seperate one-shot.
> 
> I have absolutely loved writing this story, and I'm so glad that some of you have enjoyed reading it.
> 
> Please tell me your thoughts in the comments! Like the ending? Hate it?(I really hope you didn't...) think there's something missing?(I literally may have overlooked something) tell me about it! :)


	4. AUTHORS NOTE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry you thought this was a real chapter. I just wanted to ask a few things.

Okay! So I know that I promised an epilogue, and don't you worry because I'm definitely going to write it, but I'm finding it sort of difficult to come up with an idea for it. I'm hoping you guys, as readers, can help me :) So here's my question...

 

1) What are the things you want to see in the epilogue?

2) How far into their future would you want me to project?

3) Any other requests you may or may not have for this.

 

No guarantees that they will all be included, but it would really help me to start thinking up the outline for it. You can either drop those ideas in the comments, or you can drop an ask to my fic tumblr: lexaluther.tumblr.com

Thank you for reading my story by the way!


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